Friday, May 31, 2013

Kaban ni Tony: BABAYE

BABAYE

larawan ka sa usa ka binuhat nga mahoyang,
larawan sa usa ka buotang nilalang,
sa imong pagkamahoyang
 ikaw dili angay sa luha gantihan,
hinuno-a kabahin ka ni Adan
 gimugna sa dios aron pangga-on ug mahalon,
dili aron dagmalan, dili aron sa limbong linglahon,
kay sa matag lusok unya imong mga luha,
dili matokib ang kasakit nga hilabihan…


(Bug-os ang pasalamat sa KAHAYAG ngadto sa nagsulat sa garay nga si  Tony Dangcalan, taga dakbayan sa Sugbo.  Bisan sa kahamtong na sa iyang pangedaron, nagpabilin siya’ng nag-atiman sa nagbaga niyang kadasig sa pagpaambit sa mga garay nga hinukad gikan sa kinauyokan’g bahin sa iyang kasingkasing aron pagtuman sa gimithi’ng pagsabwag sa maayong pulong nga binisaya). 


Kaban ni Mulong: ANG PANGAPE KAUBAN SA SANTO PAPA



Coffee with the Pope

Nescafe  manages to  arrange a  meeting with  the pope at  the Vatican. After  receiving the  papal  blessing, the  Nescafe  official  whispers,  "Your  Eminence,  we  have an offer  for you.  Nescafe is  prepared to  donate $100  million to the  church if you  change the  Lord's Prayer  from 'give us  this day our  daily bread'  to 'give us  this day our  daily  coffee'."

The  pope responds,  "That is  impossible.  The prayer is  the word of  the Lord.  It  must not be  changed."

"Well,"  says the  Nescafe man,  "we  anticipated  your  reluctance.  For this  reason we will  increase our  offer to $300  million."

"My  son, it is  impossible.  For the prayer  is the word of  the Lord, and  it must not be  changed."

The  Nescafe guy  says, "Your  Holiness, we  at Nescafe  respect your adherence to  the faith, but  we do have one  final  offer...we  will donate $500 million -  that's half a  billion  dollars - to  the great  Catholic  Church if you would only  change the  Lord's Prayer  from 'give us  this day our  daily bread' to 'give us  this day our  daily coffee.'  Please  consider it."  And he leaves.

The  next day the  Pope convenes  the College of  Cardinals. "There  is some good  news," he  announces,  "and some bad  news.  The  good news is  that the  Church will  come into $500  million."

"And  the bad news,  your  Holiness?"  asks a  Cardinal.

"We're  losing the  Wonder Bread  account."




Thursday, May 30, 2013

Kaban ni Alan: BALAK NGA MABULUKON

BALAK NGA MABULUKON

Balak nga mabulukon,
bantayog sa hunahunang mamugnaon,

pasilonganan sa mapalandungon,
iwag ka sa mga matukibon !

Dangilag sa handurawan,
tuburan ka sa kaamgohan !

Balak, balak, balak,
pagkaanindot mo !

(Bug-os ang pasalamat sa KAHAYAG ngadto sa nagsulat sa garay nga si  Alan Caña,  nanimuyo sa lungsod sa Minglanilla, lalawigan sa Sugbo.  Usa  sa mga binuhat nga mahiligon kaayo’ng mobatbat, mosulat, mopaambit sa mga matulon-anong  garay ug sugilagming nga kapanaminan natong  mga mahigugmaon sa pinulongan’ng binisaya.)

Kaban ni Teofy del Mar: KAUBAN TA SILA SA ATONG PANAW




ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US" AND REPRODUCE!!

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

----------------------------- ------------------------------ ----------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ..'

----------------------------- ------------------------------ ----------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!)

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect ..'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: ' Bec ause there's a power failure..'

Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

(Bug-os ang pasalamat sa  KAHAYAG  ngadto sa nagpaambit  nga si  TEOFY DEL MAR. Usa siya ka tadhan nga magbabalak nga nabantog dili  lamang sa Sugbo kon dili sa ubang bahin usab sa atong nasod. Natudlo siya isip pangulo sa inilang hugpong sa mga  magsusulat ginamit ang pinulongang binisaya, "LUDABI", Lubas sa Dagang Binisaya nga natukod kaniadtong 1956 sa mga magsusulat, magsisibya, ug mag-aawit nga Bisaya sa Dakbayan sa Sugbo kansang panlantaw ug  tinguha mao ang pagpalambo sa pinulongang Binisayang  Sinugboanon ingon man sa  arte ug kulturang Binisaya. Daghang bangga sa panulat ug balak ang malamposon niyang nalambigitan. Ang iyang  kainila sa natad sa balak ug pagkamagsusulat ginamit ang pinulongang binisaya nakakulit na sa iyang pangalan sa hawanan sa mga bantogan.)


HUNYO


HUNYO

ikaunom nga bulan sa tuig,
han-okanan sa daghang pasalig,
sa kaminyoon magpaalig-alig,

ang liso'ng gitanom, malaumon,
binubuan sa gakos nga maamumahon,
kining tanan iladlad, sa kadaghanan ipasiatab,

sabakon sa gastong makapasukarap,
bisan pa'g panudlanan nagpangapkap,
bulsa mabalit-ad ug alkansiya mangabuak,

ang tanan dili igsapayan, katumanan,
kapahungawan sa damgong tinan-ogan,
kakulbahinam mogitik sa kahiladman,

singot, hapyod, hangos nga tinagoan,
mga buhat nga nagikan sa higdaanan,
pahayagan, ipabuyang-ang  sa kadaghanan

sa simbahan, si dodong ug inday mag-ambahan…
miabot na ang gipangandaman, ang gikahinaman…
ang pagpabarog sa tigbayon’ng  dili kakomedyahan…

Kaban ni D_BystandeR: PAKATAWANG TINAGALOG

Anak     : Inay, masama po ang pakiramdam ko...
Minyang: Oo nga, 'no?! Halika at patitingnan kita sa     doktor!
Anak     : Patitingnan lang?! Dalhin na lang po inyo ang picture ko.
                                 
                                          ***
Sa mental hospital, naglagay ang isang pasyente ng
dalawang bato sa kanyang tenga...
    
"Anong ginagawa mo?" tanong ng doktor.
"Di mo nakikita? Nakikinig ako ng rock music!", sagot ng pasyente. 



(Bug-os ang  pasalamat sa KAHAYAG ngadto sa magtatampo  nga si JOHNNY LOVE. Nagtakuban siya sa pangalan, "D_BystandeR".  Natawo siya sa Sugbo apan anaa na karon manimuyo sa Illinois sa tinipong nasod sa Amerika. Ang kusog nga koneksyon sa kasayuran pinaagi sa internet kanunayng naghaling sa iyang kadasig  pagtuki sa mga nagbukalbukal nga hisgutanan dinhi sa atong nataran. Usa siya ka magsusulat nga gradwado sa kursong komersiyo padulong sa pagka accountant sa University of San Carlos kaniadtong tuig 1961.  Nahimo siyang miyembro sa usa ka hugpong sa mga batan-ong magsusulat nga gitawag ug STUDENT PRESS.  Nahimo usab siyang   Associate Editor sa basahon  USC-JPIAN sa tuig 1962-63. Magtatampo usab siya isip magsusulat sa nasudnong magasin,  "Philippines Free Press" ug sa mga nag-unang peryodiko dinhi sa dakbayan sa Sugbo sa lunhaw pa ang iyang pangedaron. Nahimo siyang mamumuo sa usa ka pribadong kompaniya sa dakbayan sa Sugbo, ESCAÑO LINES, sulod sa napulo ug duha (12) ka tuig  dayon niyang tapon  ngadto sa NAPOCOR  ug nahimong kawani sa kagamhanan  sulod sa bayente dos (22) ka tuig. Niadtong tunga-tungang bahin sa tuig 2000, nilalin siya ngadto sa tinipong nasod sa Amerika ug sulod sa napulo (10) ka tuig, nagtrabaho siya sa  buhatan sa kagamhanan sa nasod sama  sa  UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE (USPS).  Karon sa pangedaron nga 68,  gihuptan gihapon niya ang walay pagkutat nga kadasig ug walay busganan nga kaikag sa pagpaambit sa iyang nahuptang abilidad  ug kabatid sa panulat.  Dili niya mapugngan ang kaugalingon sa pagpaambit sa iyang mga hunahuna labi na kon molambigit kini ug hisgotanan nga makadani sa iyang mga mata. Makadawat siya sa inyong mga hunahuna mahitungod sa iyang sinulat sa johnnylobedica@yahoo.com)

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Kaban ni D_BystandeR: KANUNAY'NG ALAOT ANG MGA BATA, KON GINIKANAN DILI NA MAGKASABOT!!!

This 11-year-old boy is making use of the last days of the summer vacation to earn more from selling soft brooms, to help his mother. While children of his age are mostly at home, watching television, Jhaybee (not his real name) is still in the middle of his trade. Jhaybee, the second in a brood of five, has been selling the produce of his mother all summer. 

When Cebu Daily News chanced upon him around 9pm last Sunday evening outside a fastfood restaurant in barangay Tabok, Mandaue City, he still had 13 brooms left. His brooms are priced P220, P85 and P55. When asked why he was still up late at night, he replied shyly, "Kinahanglan man ko maninda para makatabang ko ni mama." (I need to do this to help my mother.) Asked if business was good that night, Jhaybee said that he still has to sell a broom and he would not mind staying for 10 hours in the area. "Naa juy usahay nga inani wala koy matinda pa," he said. (There are times when sales are really bad.) But he was quick to add that he is hopeful a person who needs to sweep their house and without a broom passes by and buys his mother's produce. 


The incoming 4th grader is not even thinking of the first day of school on June 3. He says that even if he goes back to school in the Paknaan Elementary School, he will still sell brooms at night to help his mother earn money for the family expenses. His mother, Maricel, he said is single handedly raising them after their father left them. Maricel earns a living by making brooms  a well-known product  of barangay Paknaan. Jhaybee who started selling brooms at the age of nine is not without ambition. When he grows up, Jhaybee said, "Gusto ra man ko makahuman ug eskwela unya mahimong police. (I want to finish my studies and  become a policeman.) Asked why, he said, "Para dakpon nako ang mga drug addict." (So I will arrest drug addicts.) Jhaybee shared that his family has been broken because of his father's drug use. "Nalipay ra man pud ko nga nagbuwag sila akong mama kay wala nay mokulata namo," Jhaybee said as tears fell down from his cheeks. (I feel consoled by the break up of my mother and father, at least now, no one mauls us.) Despite Jhaybee's experience at an early age, he said that he will still continue to study for his mother and siblings. He said that sometimes he gets discouraged and gets tired but still perseveres because he does not have much choice. Jhaybee said that he and his  four siblings are all studying and his mother buys them school supplies to be used in school./Jucell Marie P. Cuyos.

COMMENT: How many children, like Jhaybee, are leading a life who are forced by circumstances not of their own making to help their family because their father is irresponsible and hooked to drugs. Some children who are supposed to make use of their adolescent years and enjoy their childhood to their full satisfaction are now sharing the responsibility that, normally, only parents bother to care. The precarious way by which a  young boy is exposed to outside world doing a decent work to earn a living needs the help and concern of our government officials to find ways to help children who are exposed to selling their wares even late at night where they are already supposed to be at home taking a rest. 

Or some charity organizations should take note of cases like this so the child's burden of self-imposed responsibility can be given assistance and enough encouragement to help him capture the realization of his dreams.

(Bug-os ang  pasalamat sa KAHAYAG ngadto sa magtatampo  nga si JOHNNY LOVE nga nagkutlo sa paambit gikan sa Cebu Daily News. Nagtakuban siya sa pangalan, "D_BystandeR".  Natawo siya sa Sugbo apan anaa na karon manimuyo sa Illinois sa tinipong nasod sa Amerika. Ang kusog nga koneksyon sa kasayuran pinaagi sa internet kanunayng naghaling sa iyang kadasig  pagtuki sa mga nagbukalbukal nga hisgutanan dinhi sa atong nataran. Usa siya ka magsusulat nga gradwado sa kursong komersiyo padulong sa pagka accountant sa University of San Carlos kaniadtong tuig 1961.  Nahimo siyang miyembro sa usa ka hugpong sa mga batan-ong magsusulat nga gitawag ug STUDENT PRESS.  Nahimo usab siyang   Associate Editor sa basahon  USC-JPIAN sa tuig 1962-63. Magtatampo usab siya isip magsusulat sa nasudnong magasin,  "Philippines Free Press" ug sa mga nag-unang peryodiko dinhi sa dakbayan sa Sugbo sa lunhaw pa ang iyang pangedaron. Nahimo siyang mamumuo sa usa ka pribadong kompaniya sa dakbayan sa Sugbo, ESCAÑO LINES, sulod sa napulo ug duha (12) ka tuig  dayon niyang tapon  ngadto sa NAPOCOR  ug nahimong kawani sa kagamhanan  sulod sa bayente dos (22) ka tuig. Niadtong tunga-tungang bahin sa tuig 2000, nilalin siya ngadto sa tinipong nasod sa Amerika ug sulod sa napulo (10) ka tuig, nagtrabaho siya sa  buhatan sa kagamhanan sa nasod sama  sa  UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE (USPS).  Karon sa pangedaron nga 68,  gihuptan gihapon niya ang walay pagkutat nga kadasig ug walay busganan nga kaikag sa pagpaambit sa iyang nahuptang abilidad  ug kabatid sa panulat.  Dili niya mapugngan ang kaugalingon sa pagpaambit sa iyang mga hunahuna labi na kon molambigit kini ug hisgotanan nga makadani sa iyang mga mata. Makadawat siya sa inyong mga hunahuna mahitungod sa iyang sinulat sa johnnylobedica@yahoo.com)

BANTAYANAN ANG PANGOMEDYA

BANTAYANAN ANG PANGOMEDYA

It is unfortunate that Vice Ganda's comedy concert has become the subject of tirade among women and persons with disability. It has left a bad taste in the mouth of the general public. In fairness to other personalities who stand head and shoulders above the trade, he has gone out of control.

Jessica Soho is a multi-awarded broadcaster. She is highly respected in her own right and well known for her no-non sense preservation of ethical broadcasting as shown by her awards past and present. Vice Ganda's portrayal of Jessica's character and physique making her the butt of jokes is truly farthest from her mind

Making money out of bullying people and utilizing their perceived nonconformity to the standard size, shape and color is downright discriminatory and insulting. I see no amount of plausible explanation   can ever justify such act that transcends the bounds of defamatory and libelous standards in the guise of stand-up comedy show.

He must wake up and call it quits. His arrogance deserves nothing but public ridicule for coming up with a narrow-minded and ill-conceived show which   demeans and  smacks of his poor taste.

He denigrates femininity with his despicable and outrageous conduct.


BUTA


BUTA

ngitngit, mingaw ug haw-ang,
hubo sa talan-awon'g pinasagdan,
tingog ang gamitonon'g gabayan,
hiram ug simhot dali’ng madangpan,
kon hagit sa pag-ila,  pag-ila ila ang hisgotan,

ang pulong buta, nahimong sanglitanan
may gugma’ng buta, mag-unggoy’ng buta
may magdala’g kabo, magpaila nga siya buta
ang pulong buta, pagpaila sa tawo'ng buta
mahimong puhunan sa mga  nagpakabuta,

may mapandol ug matakilpo,
adunay mapakong ug masuko,
dagko’ng hitak sa kamapasagaron,
siya nahitumpawak, nagpa-ulipon,
kahibudnganan kay dili siya buta,

tanan dayag makita sa iyang mata,
sa pag-amping diay siya nabuta,
pangandoy sa kahayag gikalimtan na niya,
sa iyang pagbutabuta ug pagpakabuta,

ganti's kaparotan maghulat ra  kaniya!!!





HINGWARTA

HINGWARTA tuburan sa inabtik nga linihokan, walay lisod kay kuwarta gisaligan, waldas ngadto ug ngari, bahalag ang gikuwarta...